This has been a long time coming.
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October 4th, 2013. I was driving back from seeing a movie with a friend of mine. We went to go see Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2, and on the way back she suggested that I should make a site and become an online critic. I thought it was a pretty good idea, so I tried it out. I'm not all that proud of my earlier reviews, trying to catch onto fads and write in a way that was cliched and a bit too childish, but now 4 years later, I have my own style, my own little corner on the internet, and my own way of doings things. And it's all thanks to you, the fans.
2017 has been a monumental year for me as a critic. I've had more hits this year alone that I have in the past 3 years combined. Readership has skyrocketed, and I remember days when I was happy to get 20 views on a review. Now I pass that number in less than a half hour. But I wouldn't be happy with what I've been doing if it wasn't for you all coming here to get my honest opinions on movies and games. Oh sure, I don't claim to be 100% right, who the hell is, but I always tell it like it is, and whether or not you agree or disagree with me, it is entirely in your right. A new highlight for me was hearing from a reader that I was their defacto person they went to for movie reviews, and I was honest to God humbled by it. From a simple review 4 years ago to now, and that has been one of my favorite moments in this site's history. So, even though I say this plenty of times, and I mean it with all of my heart each of those times, thank you. Thank you for reading and thank you for stay with the site for so long.
... And now we begin another tradition that go through every year. The annual flogging of the My Little Pony series. I've explained my history with the franchise a couple of times, I never watched it growing up, but watched the first two seasons for a friend and found it to be passable and harmless, but every year I take pleasure in just reviewing an entry in the series, specifically the Equestria Girls franchise, for both the amusement of my readers and because I will be the first to beat a running joke into the ground. Maybe it's because I'm getting older, and maybe it's because the My Little Pony franchise isn't as popular or relevant on the internet as it once was, but I just don't really have the spark to review My Little Pony movies anymore. It's past the point of me reviewing something because it's a joke, but now it's become me reviewing something that just isn't funny or worth anyone's time. Who cares about a straight to Netflix spinoff movie of a kid's show?
But then I heard about The My Little Pony Movie and it's release date of October 6th, and I knew it was too good to be true. The series was back in the mainstream again, and I could have a last hurrah of reviewing the series and letting my fans watch my suffering. I do this for you all, cause I like y'all. And so I went in (with a female friend of course) to go and watch The My Little Pony Movie, ready to suffer. I prepared myself for it.
I should have prepared more. Happy 4 year anniversary to me.
Our story revolves around our hero, Twilight Sparkle, preparing for the Friendship Festival. What is the Friendship Festival? No one explains, so just move on. However, while preparations are underway, Equestria is invaded by a legion of blimps controlled by the Storm King, who wants to take over Equestria because ponies. He has a unicorn under his service named Tempest who proceeds to wreck everyone, leading Twilight Sparkle and her friends to go on an adventure beyond Equestria to figure out how to stop the Storm King, all while Twilight is being hunted because her magic will let the Storm King take over the world.
So for a big screen debut of a massively popular franchise, can I just ask a simple question? Why did it take 7 years for a feature length movie to be made about My Little Pony? I mean, think about it. Back when mainstream media outlets were talking about Bronies, it would have been perfect for the creators of the show to capitalize on this new phenomenon by announcing a movie! They would have made millions upon millions, but instead we have a movie that honestly very few people have seen. And I'm not saying that it's bad that not anyone saw this, because believe me, this movie deserves to bomb, but it could have at least made more many if the people behind it made a couple of smart decisions.
But anyway, onto the actual quality of the movie. So I'm someone that hasn't watched the show in years. I don't know a lot of the show's continuity or where this movie takes place in the series, but honestly, none of that stuff really matters to me. I don't care if there are continuity errors here because how the hell would I know as a casual fan? Why wasn't the Storm King defeated by an of the various allies that the ponies made over the years? Because we needed to have a movie, that's why, so things like that don't bother me.
What actually does bother me is just the bland and lifeless feel to the entire movie. I know that this is a movie from a multi media franchise, but why do I feel more manipulated than when I saw The Emoji Movie? Yeah, that movie was horrendous and had some of the worst moments in any kids movie, but I didn't feel like it was forcing me to buy new toys. Here we have new pirate friends, sea horses, and our heroes becoming sea horses themselves, and all I could think of was how much they're being sold for at stores.
And yeah I know, the entire point of the franchise is to sell toys to little girls (and older men for some reason), but there are a ton of franchises that aren't that obvious. I know that Disney is going to sell a metric boatload of Moana merchandise, but I didn't see Moana as a means to deliver new toys, I saw it as a movie that could stand on its own.
Sorry, I'm actually going to stay on track this time. So the best way for me to tackle this movie is just to go through it piece by piece, beginning to end. I'm going to spoil the entirety to this movie, so if you have interest in seeing it, stop reading this now. I'm going into full dissection mode, so brace yourself.
So after the beginning where Tempest owns everyone and the introduction of the Sia Pony (more on her later), Twilight, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Apple Jack all decide to find the Queen of the Hippos (It's actually Hypogryphs, but kid's movie equals kid's jokes LOL). They start on their journey relatively easily, but just as they decide to go on their adventure, we cut back to Tempest talking to the Storm King. Every single time a major moment happens, we usually cut back to Tempest and her lackeys just following two steps behind our group doing... not much really.
Oh, and the Storm King is like Hades, only without the charm, humor, personality, charisma, likability, and comes across more like if your 50 year old dad was trying to read as a villain in a kid's storybook. So our heroes eventually make it to a town that's a dead ringer for Mos Eisley, where they encounter Han Solo I mean a talking, smooth talking cat with gambling debts. And of course, he sings about the new town their in.
On a side note, Jesus Christ the music in this movie is just terrible. There are about 8 or so songs in this movie, and nearly all of them are just the worst. Would you like to hear about how being friends is super important? Or how would you like to listen to a song about wanting to be awesome? I kid you not, these are the kinds of songs we're dealing with here, and what kills me is that nearly every single song in this movie is about 2 minutes long, yet each song solves every single problem the characters face. Are the ponies going to be shoved off an airship? Sing about it! Is a race of extremely reclusive creatures refusing to help you out? Sing about it!
The only song in the movie that's even remotely good is the song sung by the Sia Pony, and that's only there because Sia needed a paycheck. Yeah the song in question "Rainbow" is actually a pretty good song, but it's incredibly distracting to see a pony with Sia's hair singing with a troupe of Sia back dancing ponies around her. So I guess that's a backhanded way of saying that the song was good, but really bizarrely fit into the movie.
So Han Solo cat tries to sell the ponies into slavery to clear up gambling debts (no really, he literally tries to sell them to a dude with a cage), but Tempest shows up and in the confusion the ponies escape onto an airship. Tempest questions Han Solo cats where they went, but because Rarity sewed a button on his jacket, he refuses to tell her and lies to Tempest about their goal. With the ponies on the airship, they meet a group of pirates who now work as delivery men, but through a song and some morale boost, they're back to their pirating ways! Only to then be attacked by Tempest and having their prized shipped destroyed and sank to the bottom of the sea.
Oops.
It doesn't matter to the ponies though, since they finally reached the land of the Hypogryphs, except the city is empty. It turns out that they all fled to the sea when the Storm King attacked them, voluntarily turning themselves into seahorses. The ponies talk to the sea horses after becoming sea horses themselves because MERCHANDISE YOU DUMBASS, but the Queen says that she's not going to help them. So the ponies decide to sing a song to convince her, which works because of course it does, but Twilight tries to steal the orb that turns ponies into sea horses, hoping to turn everyone in Equestria into seahorses to save them. The Queen banishes them, all oft he friends fight because of course they do, Twilight admits that they were a distraction, and Twilight finally gets kidnapped by Tempest to drain her of her magical power.
It's at this point Twilight asks what Tempest's deal was for becoming evil and working with a childish dictator even though she's a pony herself. And you wanna know what the reason is? She was mauled by a bear as a kid, had her horn broken, and because everyone thought she was a freak, she was ostracized and became eeeeeeeeeeeeviiiiiiiiiiiiiil. Of course all of this is told through a song and some of the worst animation I've seen in years. I mean, it makes Food Fight look fluid in comparison.
So our ponies are down and out, but Han Solo cat, the pirates, and the Seahorse Princess all come together, stage a siege on the Storm King, beat him, and everyone has a huge party with the Sia Pony providing background music. Also, Tempest becomes good because it's a kid's movie and she redeemed herself by saving Twilight.
So by just going through the plot, it's pretty obvious to me that the story goes through nearly every beat a kids movie should go through. There are no twists or turns, The My Little Pony Movie does everything you would expect it to. And for a series that's mostly aimed at little kids, it would be perfectly fine. As a toddler's first movie, there's nothing inherently wrong with it, but that would ruin the nature of the franchise.
You can still have a series intended for little kids, but still make it engaging for all audiences to watch. Steven Universe is a prime example of this, being aimed at young kids, but nearly everyone can enjoy. My Little Pony is the same way. The thing has an adult fan base for a reason, but this movie seems to ditch that entirely for hackneyed jokes and lines. It's like the spark that the series had left in exchange for better animation.
On that note, the animation is fairly solid, and it's nice that it's 2D and I would even say looked good at certain moments, like during Tempest's song where she got mauled by a bear as a small child.
I'm sorry, I just love that visual.
But you can have the most gorgeous animation in the world and still be a bad movie if there's no substance, and there's nothing here at all. Things happen because they need to happen. Conflicts are resolved through songs, and nothing has any weight to it. Why should I care that the ponies are about to be attacked by pirates if not even three minutes ago they just escaped being sold into slavery, and that was after they escaped from the Storm King five minutes ago?
I would say that there was an overarching problem that defined this movie, but in reality, there isn't. There isn't one singular reason why The My Little Pony Movie doesn't work. It just is. Nothing more, nothing less. I would say that it's just an extended episode of the TV series, but from what I remember the series was better than this. If I was a fan, I would be pretty pissed that this is what we got as a big screen debut for some of our favorite characters. A movie that has no soul, no personality, and yet pretends to be positive entertainment.
Yes, it doesn't send bad messages to anyone, but I can't think of a more insidious idea than to make a watered down version of something that people love just as a tool for merchandise. The Transformers Movie is beloved for having put actual effort into its production, and the same can be said for the 90's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies and even The Lego Movie. They had effort and heart. The My Little Pony Movie does not.
You know, I was wondering what I was going to feel like after I saw this movie. After I left the movie with my friend (side note, we both hung our heads in shame when we handed the tickets to the ticket checker), we tried to figure out how we felt about the movie. Honestly, I was just tired. I was tired that I had to review another My Little Pony movie that just reeked of being a cash grab. There was no identity or personality behind this movie. Hell, even the Michael Bay Transformers movies have something going on at a subtextual level and don't feel like a cash grab. There was nothing here to analyze, nothing to learn, nothing to really gain from seeing this movie. It made me feel exhausted.
So no, The My Little Pony Movie isn't the worst thing ever made. It's not even the worst movie that came out this year, and it certainly isn't the worst thing that the franchise has ever churned out. But without a doubt in my mind, The My Little Pony Movie is one of the most bland and forgettable movies I have ever seen. I can't really say that one is worse than the other, but I can say this; your child deserves better. Fans of the series deserve better.
I don't write negative reviews because I love to hate on things. Critics don't exist to point out flaws and prove that we're smarter than people and we're more cultured, or refined, or some other crap like that. I write reviews because I just love to share ideas. I write reviews because I want people to talk, and even if it's about how wrong I am about certain things, then I've done my job. I'm so critical of movies because we deserve better. We deserve to be satisfied when we watch a movie and when we want to expose our children, our friends, or our families to something that we enjoy because we can see something we relate to in it, or because it has a great performance in it, or because it just looks cool. The My Little Pony Movie doesn't have any of the joy I feel about movies, and a joyless movie is just not a good sit.
Happy 4 years, and here's to another 4 years.
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