50 Shades! The Musical Review...?

So... I know I said that I would not be reviewing Broadway shows again because of personal grievances and all that bunk, but seriously... how could I not review this? I mean, it's 50 Shades! The Musical. It's a musical about 50 Shades of Grey, a book that's essentially hardcore BDSM mommy porn. The book itself has a reputation for being a punchline and a joke, so why, oh why, did they make it into a musical? What possessed people to think "Hey, let's turn 50 Shades of Grey into a musical! Won't that be great???" This is my account with this musical. This... thing.


I gave up on the show before the curtain even rose. The announcer said to turn off all vibrating devices in the crowd, unless we want to enhance our experiences. He also told us that the show would only be 69 minutes long. I just lost it from there on. Everything that happened afterwards was just a haze of sex, masochism, and more sex. All of the sex in this show... I'm a man who likes a good sex joke here and there, but there are a couple of songs in this show that are just constant sex innuendos. They aren't even lyrics really, they're just constant innuendos. I would process one of them, only to be bombarded by twenty more in the span of three seconds.

Guys, I don't know what to say about this show. This is a show where the cast literally has sex in the audience. No joke, in a transition between scenes, two of the characters just went into the crowd and started to have sex in front of this stoic 55 year old man. Yeah it wasn't actual sex, but that still doesn't make it any less graphic when you see a woman bent over in front of you taking it up the ass for a solid minute. I'm so not making this up! And then they just move on like it never even happened. Just, forgotten to the ether. This is the play where an entire ballet is done where people are just ejaculating and jizzing on Anastasia for a solid minute. The things that I've seen has tested my sanity and all of my better judgments, so yay for pushing the boundaries?

This picture is a screen of LIES.

Just everything about this show had me in a near catatonic shock at what I was watching. But none of that compared to the reveal of Christian Grey himself. The enigmatic and secretive Christian Grey is a man who you need to see to fully comprehend. He's a man that radiates power and sexual prowess to the point where all men on the face of the Earth should just turn to each other and go "We don't need our penises anymore" out of the knowledge that they will never compared with him. We see Christian Grey work out, we see him be romantic, and we see him show Anastasia the true meaning of love. To say that I was deeply moved by his speech about what the meaning of love is is saying quite a lot.

Yet it wasn't until we entered Christian Grey's Red Room that it was clear just how much of a Sex God he is. He makes Dionysus weep from impedance. Ron Jeremy himself would give up his day job and protest the porno industry if he knew just how perfect Christian Grey is, and this is coming from a straight male! No one can resist Christian Grey. His magnum opus, "I Don't Make Love", is a song that explains to us that he will have sex with everyone, no matter their age, gender, ethnicity, or ideologies. Regardless, every person he meets is another person that he can show the true meaning of love to. When he eats out Anastasia in front of the audience, it moves everyone to tears and is shown in such great detail that no one can resist the urge to join him onstage and cry out to him "Teach me to be like you!"

Throughout the play, Christian Grey encourages Anastasia to "fill the hole inside of her" by any means necessary, and she lives up to it. She may have inner conflicts once she learns about his sadistic lifestyle, but she's eventually persuaded by him, for none can resist the silver tongue of Christian Grey, which is intimately familiar with every part of the female anatomy in every way, shape, and form. He's a man that is able to convince your average everyday woman to wear a gag collar, have hot wax dripped onto them, and be tied to a bed post as he beats them. He's a Casanova of love that every man should emulate! Chris Brown wishes he could beat women like Christian Grey does!

This man can't even emulate 20% of the
sexual prowess that is Christian Grey

This show has changed my life. It has made me into a better man. It has made me see just how love really works and has proven to me that there is a God, because no other holy being could create a man as perfect as Christian Grey. Christian Grey is so perfect that he is able to cure all of the world' diseases by beating them long enough. No, not that kind of beating. The other kind. There you go. I know they just released a trailer for the 50 Shades of Grey movie, but that man is NOT Christian Grey! He is a phony! He is an apostate that should be burn at the stake for trying to impersonate a man as benevolent and fantastical as Christian Grey! HE WILL KNOW WHAT PAIN IS TRULY LIKE! We will show him that there are more things between Heaven and Hell that are dreamt of in his philosophy! That man is not Christian Grey! Christian Grey is more charismatic than that pompous lout will ever be!

While leaving the theatre, I was giving a contract signed by Christian Grey himself to enter into a sexual relationship with him that will allow him to do whatever he wants with you, his property. I have since made photo copies of his contract and have given it to all of my friends to sign. I am encouraging them to sign his binding contract and be one with his grace. All 50 shades of his grace. So much divine. So wow. So binding. Much love.

I will not give this a score as I normally would, because how can you score perfection? How can you score an experience unlike any other? How can you quantify watching a man fist a woman? HOW CAN YOU QUANTIFY THAT??? You can't! You simply cannot! Tickets are on sale for $50 to see this show. There is not a bad seat in the house. No matter where you sit, Christian Grey will look you in the eyes and own you in that moment. He will make you his bitch and you will love it. He will make you beg for more and he will make sure you never touch him. He will make sure that you orgasm at the sound of his name. It is your duty not just as a reader of my blog, not just as a fan of he theatre, but as a human being to watch 50 Shades! The Musical. Christian Grey will meet you with open arms and welcome you into his life, all while beating you with a light saber.