Normally this would be the point where I would give a brief little plot summary of the movie, but I'm not going to because frankly, who the hell cares? I know I sure don't. Dorothy goes back to Oz, meets new friends, and tries to save Oz again from an evil jester. There, that's all you need to know. On paper, it sounds... decent. Plenty of Oz adaptations exist where Dorothy meets a whole bunch of new friends to go on adventures with and is usually a staple of the series. The hero will journey with three critters that have odd quirks to them. Hell, that's why we got a couch as a critter in Return to Oz. Here we get the majesty of Wiser the Owl, a fatass owl who never shuts up, a China Princess who is completely narcissistic and only cares about herself, and Marshall Mallow, a walking marshmallow soldier that is socially awkward. We are just going to have a ball here!
As of right now, you may be asking yourself "Jesse you Oz The Great and Powerful liking bastard, what's wrong with that? So far it doesn't seem like there's anything wrong with this movie!" And you know what, you're right. I haven't said anything about this movie that justifies my hate towards it. Let me rectify that! Right off the bat, the animation is awful. Everyone in the movie looks too cartoonish for their own good. They all look like Plasticine dolls and have no real defining features to them. All of the characters look misshapen, and the women in particular look awful, with waists so thin that you're pinky finger is wider than they are. The designs of each character just look too bizarre and disproportional to the point where no one looks natural at all. They look stiff, lifeless, and outright bad.
|All of these characters need to die!|
Take a scene in a candy courthouse, where Dorothy and her friends are on trial for eating candy. Mind you the people in this town are made of candy so... yeah Dorothy and her friends have essentially eaten people and cannibalized their insides. So while on trial, they are entitled to have a jury by their peeps. And who's in the jury box? Peeps! As in the candy. They starting peeping, and Dorothy asks what they mean. Her attorney starts to make peeping noises as well to explain to her that they're quite literally saying "peep peep peep". Peep. Peep. PEEP. The joke has been set on fire, burned with salt, and taken to the bottom of a ditch to be buried with rocks and used syringes. That's how dead the joke is in this movie, and that's how all of the jokes are. ALL of them.
Nothing in this script is remotely good. There's no subtlety to the characters, and there certainly isn't any heart in this movie. It just seems like it doesn't deserve to exist, yet at the same time the thought entered my head of "Why does this movie exist?" And that's a legitimate question. Who wanted this movie? Who was clamoring for a movie that's a sequel to the immediate events of The Wizard of Oz? If no one wanted it, why was it made? It's an independently made movie, so someone thought that this was a good idea, but who thought it would be? Why did this movie get a wide release and not a straight to DVD release? Why am I still talking about a movie where a morbidly obese owl is accused of eating candy, which we have established are alive, 498 times, effectively accused of murder nearly 500 times???
|I would make a Joker joke, but the Joker doesn't deserve to be mentioned in|
the same breath as this movie!
He's just awful in every regard. When he's not doing petty acts of villainy, he's whining and trying to sound tough and frightening, but instead coming off like a twelve year old trying to sound tough in front of a ten year old. Wow, you're so tough! You've starting developing testicles! Congratulations! It's even worse when at the end of the movie he shows up in complete Joker regalia with red lips, a white face, and faded makeup. I'm sorry, but you're not Heath Ledger. Get out of here right this instant.
And a special mention goes out to Glinda for being the worst character in the whole movie. Bernadette Peters completely phones it in, trust me I understand why, but that still doesn't excuse how bored she sounds. She sounds like she's about to fall asleep at any moment and doesn't give two shits about what's happening to Oz. "Oh, are you about to take over Oz and rains destruction down upon every citizen? No, stop you fiend... don't do that... you'll be sooooooooooorryyyyyyyyyyyyyy..." Plus her design is what really makes me cringe about the character designs. She doesn't look like she's even able to breathe, let alone walk around. The weight of her upper body should probably snap her waist like it was made of saltine crackers.
|This just looks... wrong... Glinds looks misshapen...|
Oh if Hannibal crossed over with this movie I would be so happy. Mads Mickelson walking around, killing citizens of Oz in grisly and spectacular ways. He could make their corpses into puppets! Oh wait, the Jester already does that, and it's creepy as shit while sucking at the same time. How do you do that? How do you take a creepy moment and suck out all of the energy and life behind it???
|Marajuana leaves? Even if I smoked all of the pot in the world, the resulting|
movie wouldn't be this bad.
This movie is such a waste of good talent. When you take Patrick Stewart, a Shakespearean actor, and make hi into a talking tree, you have failed as a movie! The songs don't work, the actors don't work, the animation is abysmal, the characters look bizarre, none of the jokes land, the script is idiotic, the villain is worthless, and I just plain hate this movie. This is garbage! This is worthless! I'd be more livid if I wasn't so blatantly shocked at how awful this would be. I mean, I knew it would be bad, but not THIS bad. This is Jar-Jar Binks levels of bad. This is Disney straight to DVD bad. No, not even that, cause at least Disney has some quality to it. This is on the same level as those Tinker Bell movies that go straight to DVD, and SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU DARE QUALIFY THAT WITH "Oh, but what about the Tom Hiddleston Tinker Bell movie?" I WILL TAKE THIS MOVIE AND RAM IT SO FAR UP YOUR ASS THAT THE PHYSICAL PAIN WILL REMIND YOU TO NEVER MAKE THAT STATEMENT AGAIN, AND THEN I WILL FORCE YOU TO WATCH THE MOVIE TO DRIVE THE LESSON HOME!
This is a 1 out of 5! I reserve this ranking for the worst of the worst, and this is by far one of the worst pieces of trash I have ever seen in the history of this blog! Legends of Oz: Dorothy's Return is pure, unadulterated, garbage and deserves all of the hatred it is getting. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!