Saturday, May 16, 2015

Hot Pursuit Review

Real talk: kill me if I ever see this movie again.

You know, I was going to give this movie a pass. I was going to just write a ho-hum review of this movie and call it a day. I was just going to acknowledge that this movie technically exists and is functional, so why get mad at it? Why get mad at something that is blander than styrofoam and lacks any creative ambition whatsoever? What would be the point at reaching for the lowest fruit on the tree? And the more I thought about it, the more that this movie just pisses me off in all of the right ways. Not necessarily the ways that make it a bad movie, but in just enough ways for me to launch into a tirade and rant about everything wrong with society and human nature in the 21st century.

Thanks Hot Pursuit.

You know, I once saw a move a long time ago called Identity Thief. I won't bore you with the details, but needless to say I thought that it was one of the worst comedies I've ever seen in my life. I still hold a special place in my vacuous black hole that I call a soul for that movie. I don't think it's funny, I don't think it's witty, I don't even think that it's a decent story. It is anti-comedy, but not in the way that anti-jokes are funny. I'm talking about in the way of watching Grandpa Ted trying to do stand-up material where he just rambles of for minutes to set up a joke, but forgets the punch line or where he was going because of his dementia. AND YET you can at least tell that Grandpa Ted, and Identity Thief for that matter, put effort into trying to make the joke funny. It failed spectacularly, but at least they tried.

There was no effort whatsoever in Hot Pursuit. In fact, I'm not even sure it was a comedy. It wasn't a drama, that's for sure, but I can't even call it a comedy. Comedy implies that there has to be jokes present in a script. There was to be clear effort into making something funny and to have the audience identify "Oh! That was a joke!" Throughout its merciful 87 minute runtime, I couldn't peg a single joke in the whole movie. Not a single one. There was no chuckling, no amusement, just a vacuous void of silence for a movie that I'm sure tried to be funny, but not in a way that humans can identify as being funny.

The strangest thing though is that I could not tell you one thing about Hot Pursuit. I sat through it, but it was like watching a couple argue at fight in a food court for a minute and they left. It was unpleasant, but I'm not going to remember what they said to each other. All I know is that my Popeye's chicken doesn't look as appetizing anymore. There were drugs, a mafia kingpin going to jail, Reese Witherspoon (aka the annoying hard ass that is so strict to her regulations that having a vaulting pole stuck up her ass would make her more flexible) and and even more annoying Sofia Vergara (aka the one who wanted me to burn the theatre down whenever she talked just to end any attempt to expose her voice to humanity). And yes, this is me being polite to the movie.

And so these do go on a zany road trip together filled with constant unfunny remarks about Witherspoon's height, Vergara's age, attempts at awkward lesbian humor, sudden romances that have as much chemistry as shoving two plastic dolls together, and SO MANY SPANISH JOKES. Dear lord, the amount of times that the movie mocks Sofia Vergara's character and associating her with negative Spanish stereotypes is downright offensive. Plus the fact that Reese Witherspoon, f***ing Reese Witherspoon, is acting as unfunny, uncharismatic as this is a crime against nature. They're both good actors, so why are they both starring in this waste of space and existence.

I often don't like to pull out this card, but it bares mention. This movie, not including marketing, had a budget of $35 million dollars. I repeat, $35,000,000 to produce. direct, cast, and arrange for this movie's production. I am currently scraping by on a college budget, but we live in a world where this movie can be made. Hot Pursuit can be made while children starve on our streets, countries are under oppression from dictatorships, and education costs are skyrocketing in this country. But people were demanding for a comedy about a miniature Dalek and overgrown Chihuahua in a buddy cop movie. Bite me.

But you know what, I would be fine with this movie existing. I would be perfectly fine with this gracing theatres if it wasn't for one thing. The fact that no matter how hard I rack my brain and search through my soul, I cannot think of a single person or demographic that would like this movie or find it funny. I cannot. Movies like Age of Ultron have an audience. Mad Max: Fury Road has an audience. If we're talking about bad movies, some people were clamoring for Maleficent, The Great Gatsby, and Sharknado. Here though, who does this movie appeal to? Not to teenagers. Not to men. Not to comedy fans. Especially not to film critics. Spanish women? Maybe, but even then the film does them a complete disservice. Feminists? Good lord no! So I ask you, who wanted to go see a buddy cop movie starring Officer Buzzkill and the Spicy Latina trophy wife? NO ONE!

Hot Pursuit is a travesty. Thank God America is doing the right thing and making sure this movie bombs, and its bombing hard. Make sure that no one, I repeat, no one, sees this movie. Not even out of morbid curiosity. I know that most people generally aren't effected by my reviews and tend to read them after they've seen or experienced whatever is being reviewed, but I beg of you, never see this movie. If you go and see this movie after reading this review, please let me know. Also, please let me know what time you go and see it. Because after the movie is done, I will go and take you out for a drink, and try and counsel you in the best way possible. You may descend into alcoholism from Hot Pursuit, but I will try my utmost to save you from that fate. I beg of you, never go and see this movie. It is movie going done by accountants. This movie was to fill out a spreadsheet and serve as a statistic on a financial report. And you know what? This movie is a number. It's a singular number and one of the most deserving movies to ever get this honor thrust upon it. It will not accept it, but Hot Pursuit will be branded for life with this rating. If I can convince at least one person to not see this movie, then I will say my job as a film critic has been a successful one.


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