2016 found a lot of new ways to piss me off, but let's just keep it to ten.
I contend that you usually have three kinds of years for movies. You have a year where everything came up roses and the movies were great and everyone felt great about that year (2015). Then you have the bad years where you have to scrounge together movies that you liked cause everything was just too mediocre or underwhelming to care about (2014). And then you have the oddball year, the year where good movies come out, but they're not what people normally go to see, and the big budget movies do alright, but not great. That was 2016 for me; a year where good movies came out, but there were a lot of weird, outright bad movies that came out too.
Let me be upfront in saying that while some truly awful, and I mean God awful, movies came out in 2016, I had to actually remember that I saw awful movies this year. For the record, every year I keep a little document open on my laptop that lists every movie I've seen over the year, a few quick thoughts on it, and what I gave my final rating of. Once December hits, I look back at all of the movies and I say that they go on the worst list, the best list, or I just ignore them and forget they even happened. And for the majority of movies in 2016, my response when looking at the list was "I saw that? Oh wait, I did see that!"
I guess it's good that a movie can be forgettably bad, so I don't have to think about it ever again and I don't have to dwell on it, but still, if you're going to be bad, just be bad! Don't half ass it! Half assing things is boring, and a couple of the movies on here's greatest sin was being boring as hell. Now granted, I didn't see every bad movie that came out this year, I somehow managed to avoid Nine Lives, Collateral Beauty, and Independence Day: Resurgence, but I don't think it's hard to imagine why the movies that got on this list got here in the first place. If you liked one of these movies, more power to you, this is just my own silly little opinion. That being said, here are the worst movies that I had to see in 2016. May I never think about them ever again.
|HM: Batman: The Killing Joke|
Well I'll tell you, fair reader! Let's destroy Barbara Gordon's character in the first twenty minutes of the movie! The original Alan Moore story The Killing Joke was extended by about twenty minutes or so, seeing as how the original story wouldn't even last a full hour if it was a full one-to-one adaptation, so the creators thought it would be wise to make people more attached to Barbara Gordon, aka Batgirl, before the events that happened to her in the actual story. And instead, we had #batsex, Barbara fighting a sexist gangster that intended to rape her, have her abandon the cowl because she can't get over Batman, and did I mention Bruce Wayne screwed his best friend's daughter? Cause that happened. Oh boy did it happen...
It was the worst twenty minutes out of any movie I've seen this year, and yet the rest of the movie is great. When The Killing Joke is actually telling the damned Alan Moore story, it's exactly how you'd imagine a DC animated adaptation of it should go. It's dark, has excellent voice acting, beautiful imagery, and the themes addressed still ring true despite Alan Moore's claims that he doesn't like the story anymore. If it wasn't for that worthless, insulting, horrendous, foul, odorous, cancerous, destructive, venomous, baffling, mean-spirited introduction, then I might have actually put The Killing Joke on my best list. But it's down here at the worst because DC doesn't understand how to tell a good story when they have one.
|#10: Why Him?|
Why Him? is about Bryan Cranston being a stuck in the mud, old school father figure who can't understand why his daughter is going out with an idiot, stoner, moronic game designer multi-millionaire played by James Franco. It goes about exactly as well as you expect it to, only minus the humor. I like Bryan Cranston and James Franco, but the jokes here just aren't funny or go on for an eternity. There is an entire sequence dedicated to moose urine and moose testicles, followed up by dragons and motor-boating. I would say that movie was trying too hard, but it tried so hard that the jokes were never even funny in the first place.
And so, I've come up with two honorary awards for this year, and here's to them becoming a yearly tradition. Why Him? gets the "So Funny It's Sad" Award for 2016, for trying so hard to make people laugh, but instead just making me feel embarrassed for everyone involved here. Good job at being so bad!
|#9: The Birth of a Nation|
The best way I can describe The Birth of a Nation is that one movie you saw in your history class in high school. You remember the one; the movie that your teacher told you that you were going to watch for a few days, so you got pumped because you weren't going to be doing any major work, but instead you realized just how boring it was, so you instantly regretted all of the hope and joy you felt to the point where you wanted to go back to doing classwork?
Yeah, that one.
The Birth of a Nation is dull, lifeless, and either thinks that it's audience is too dumb, or that they're MENSA members. Christ imagery is thrown around so much that it makes Man of Steel look humble, followed by "ask me what it means" symbolism that I'm not sure human beings can accurately comprehend. Nothing happens until the very end of the movie, and even when Nat Turner's slave rebellion happens, it lasts all of ten minutes before going back to Christ imagery and bizarre symbolism. And no, I don't hate it because Nate Parker is a sex offender. That's just dumb. No, I hate this movie because it made me waste two hours of my life on a passion project with no real passion. Go see Fences, Hidden Figures, or Moonlight for passion projects about important African American stories that are actually good, thought provoking, and, you know, aren't The Birth of a Nation.
|#8: The Angry Birds Movie|
This lame excuse doesn't fly anymore. We live in a time where animated films are better than they've ever been, even in the 90's, and with so many thought provoking, enjoyable, and downright gorgeous kids movies releasing every month, no one is entitled anymore to say "What were you expecting?" You want to know what I was expecting? I was expecting Zootopia, Moana, Kubo and the Two Strings, Finding Dory, The Secret Life of Pets, Kung-Fu Panda 3, Pete's Dragon, The Jungle Book, you know, any of the good kids movies that actually came out this year, and all of them range from being good to near perfection. And yet those are the exceptions and The Angry Birds Movie is the rule?
No! No! No! Pig farts and pig butts are the exception now! Pop culture references that date the movie are the exception now! Lazy writing with piss jokes and one-note characters are the exception now! If anyone, and I mean anyone says that kids movies aren't as good live action movies, or movies aimed at adults, then I'll gladly point you all to Zootopia, a movie that tackles discrimination and racism in a way that few have ever seen before and that most "adult" movies don't even dare to tackle. But The Angry Birds Movie is a kids movie, so what were you expecting?
Just... give me a minute to cool off after that. I'm sorry but a bad movie is a bad movie no matter how you slice it, for kids or not.
Or maybe The Angry Birds Movie was worse than scurvy because it was a video game adaptation?
Yeah that may be it, those are never good.
|#7: The Purge: Election Year|
I would describe this movie in more depth and why it sucks, but when no one can accurately explain what the point here was, I think I'm kind of useless here.
Really though? The Purge: Election Year? Really?
|#6: Gods of Egypt|
For those of you that aren't aware, Gods of Egypt is an action movie where all of the Egyptian Gods are played by tall, white people that are stated to be obviously better than the native Egyptians. And that's just the premise! Whitewashing aside, and believe me I could spend days on it, there's just something to love about how serious Gods of Egypt is, and how that seriousness makes everything even funnier. You would have thought there was one guy during the production of this entire movie that realized that they were making one of the dumbest movies ever, and yet everyone ignored him because they thought they were truly making art. It's kind of beautiful in a sense.
And that's not even the best part about this saga! Yeah, Gods of Egypt belongs on this list for how bad the acting is, how laughable the premise is, and how the dialogue feature such gems as "Crawl back to shadow you stinking worm! You shall never feast on my creation!", but that after the movie was released, the director had a public meltdown saying that critics that didn't like his movie were a pack of diseased vultures picking at his movie's dead carcass. Unintentionally, he did say that his movie was like a rotting corpse, so who knows? Maybe this was all just an elaborate prank that everyone fell for.
|#5: Norm of the North|
Self fulfilling prophecies are always the best prophecies.
And now, for your viewing pleasure, a twerking polar bear.
|#4: Blair Witch|
|#3: Ghostbusters (2016)|
|#2: God's Not Dead 2|
|#1: Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice|