Thursday, December 18, 2014

Grumpy Cat's WORST Christmas Ever Review

I hate Christmas.

You know, I find it very rare these days to come across a movie like Grumpy Cat's WORST Christmas Ever. It's not the fact that this movie is awful. It's not the fact that it's based on an internet meme. It's not even the fact that I'm reviewing a Lifetime original movie. No, the reason why Grumpy Cat is one of the most unique movies I've ever seen is because I'm fairly certain that this movie has given me cancer. I'm certain that I have some form of brain cancer from watching this movie and I will slowly start to die from being exposed to this movie.

Anyone that decides to view this movie must be prepared for what they are about to experience. If an innocent person decides to watch this movie, they may become infected with some kind of biological disease that may in fact kill them slowly. They will slowly die from the infection, their organs dissolving into a fine pink mush as it slowly leaks from every orifice of their body, their muscles seizing up and causing regular spasms that are akin to violent seizures, and their eyes to bleed and eventually pop out of their own skull, attempting to escape the biological hazard that they have been exposed to.

Because of that, I have a handy guide to explain how to properly watch this movie and save yourself, so help you God. Every step must be followed, or else I cannot guarantee your safety or that you will make it out with your life.

First and foremost, burn anything having to do with Christmas. This movie's interpretation of Christmas will leave you hollow and disdainful towards the entire holiday, most likely leading you to set all items relating to Christmas on fire. While the movie does say that Christmas is almost now completely commercialized, it still centers its entire movie inside of a mall and turn it into a heist movie. There are barely any references to Christmas at all throughout the movie except for random intervals that will shove Christmas iconography in your face.

While that might not seem bad, you then have to prepare yourself for the Christmas carols inside of this movie. Yes, there are songs in this movie and yes, they will make you tear at your ears. Their are kazoo Christmas carols and Grumpy Cat singing grumpy versions of Christmas songs. Therefore, please remember to bring any Slayer songs to your viewing. Why Slayer? Because the shrieks and wails of Slayer will almost certainly drown out any of the dialogue and the humor that these characters exude from the gaping malformed craters in their face that we normal humans refer to as mouths.

And oh God the humor. No matter what preparations I may give you, nothing will help when it comes to the jokes. From slapstick to dumb characters, from plot points to jokes, this movie will destroy your preconceptions of comedy and will most likely suck the joy and love from your heart. Jokes like Grumpy Cat rewriting the script, a cameo from the voice actress of Grumpy Cat herself, and fourth wall jokes that limp and sag like a disgusting pustule will immobilize you out of sheer stupidity. If this happens, you will lose the ability to move your legs, making you a victim of your own body, trapped inside of it, unable to leave. That is why in case of emergencies, bring a hand saw to viewings of this movie. If you see a person you know and love scream in terror at what they are viewing, help save them by cutting off both of their legs, allowing them to crawl to safety, their blood a signal to other audience members to flee and vacate the theatre before rigor mortis sets in for them.

That is why above all else, come with a hazmat suit. The suit will protect from most of the radiation emanating from the movie. You must wear a full body suit, from head to feet. Even the tiniest amount of exposed skin will lead you to become infected and slowly begin to die. If anyone attempt sot watch the movie without one, you are completely liable to beat them senseless until they do. You're not doing it to be rude or evil or an asshole, but you're doing it to save them. You want to save them. You need to save them.

When the movie asks the audience why they are still watching it, it's not to be cute and make a joke. It's because the creators of the film are genuinely scared about the medical condition of the audience. They are terrified and racked with guilt over the monstrosity that they created. After the premiere of this movie, the entire production team gather together in their offices and proceeded to slaughter one another with Christmas paraphernalia. Candy cakes were used for ice pick lobotomies, Christmas lights were destroyed to light screenplay writers ablaze, and an inflatable Santa was placed inside a young man's rectum than inflated until Santa exploded his entire body, blood and guts strewn every as Santa said in his mechanical voice "Merry Christmas". No one was spared that night.

But you see, that's the secret behind this movie. Why would such a soulless, heartless, joyless, worthless, disease ridden movie be released to the general public? Who would commit such a heinous act against humanity and film in general? The answer is simple my dear friends. North Korea. It all makes total sense when you stop to think about it. THIS is the terrorist threats that they were issuing against The Interview. This was the ramifications that they were planning to expose on us. No one would make this movie unless they were fully aware that they were creating a biological weapon. North Korea kidnapped countless people and forced them to make this movie as a sure fire way to kill the Americans that would have insulted their great leader. As a matter of fact, if you freeze frame several shots of Grumpy Cat, you will see that the pupils of his eyes are actually highly edited versions of Kim Jong Un's face. He is watching us. He's watching us all die and flee from his own creation. The perfect weapon. Grumpy Cat's WORST Christmas Ever.

Add in one part Paul Blart: Mall Cop, an immense internet meme, commercialism, and terrible jokes, and you have created something worse than Chernobyl ever could be. People can escape Chernobyl. People were able to quarantine Chernobyl. Nothing can stop this movie. North Korea has unleashed this movie not just on the United States, but on the entire planet. The tight grip they keep on information and media in their country was purely to protect themselves from they're own weapon. If even a single North Korean was exposed to this movie, the entire country would implode in on itself. Instead, they're able to watch from their ivory towers as we suffer from our own ignorance. We never should have created The Interview. Because of that, countless people are dying from it. Families are torn asunder as fathers have to chop of their daughter's legs, as mothers suffocate their sons to put them out of their misery, and pets fleeing from their families to try and save themselves. They run as far as they can get, but nothing can contain the radiation from this movie. By Christmas, all of America will be disease ridden and clinging to life.

That is what Grumpy Cat's WORST Christmas Ever is. It is murder. It is North Korea following through on their threats. It is the death of cinema. It is the death of Christmas. It is the death of mankind as we know it. If anyone is able to make it to 2015, then you have survived the great disaster of 2014. You have survived biological warfare. You have survived hell itself. You have survived the ultimate perversion of Christmas and what happens when greed fuels our movies. You have survived when the internet decides what we say, what we watch, and what is popular. You have survived Grumpy Cat's WORST Christmas Ever.


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