Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Huniepop Review

( o Y o )

There comes a time in a man's life where he has the uncontrollable urge to have sex with anything he sees. He may have sex with a woman, chair, dog, cat, chair, lamp, bowl of cheese, anything! Finally, the game for people that want to fuck a bowl of cheese is here! Huniepop is here! While there is no cheese (to my dismay), there are plenty of other things to have sex with in this interactive novel, so I will elaborate my story to you all in real time.

I am a woman who just moved in to a new town. Depressed and obviously aroused, I decide to hit the local bar to see if I could hit up anyone. While there, I encounter a magical fairy that says to me that I can become the Goddess of Sex with her advice. I balk at her and continue to drink my sorrows away, but the fairy, Kyu, is adamant that I can become one of the sexiest people alive. So she spends the day next introducing me to 8 different women, all of whom she wants me to have sex with. And because I will not take a challenge to my womanhood like this, I agree and will do whatever it takes to have sex with all of these beautiful women.

There's Tiffany, the college cheerleader with a heart of gold. There's Kyanna, the Latina single mother who loves exercise. Then there's Aiko, a dirty Asian school teacher that loves to watch porn online. There's Jessie, the porn star who is also the secret mother of Tiffany (don't worry I still have sex with both of them). There's Lola, the black flight attendant who is never around when I want to try and romance her. There's Nikki, the socially award one that hates everyone and is a retro gamer through and through. There's Audrey, the mega bitch. And finally, you have Beli, who is best girl and is an Indian Yoga instructor with a secret freaky side to here. I like Beli. Fuck Audrey though.

So now, I must begin my sexual escapades to become the Goddess of Love and prove to a magical fairy that I am the sexiest woman alive. So what is the first thing I do to make woman fall in love with me? Why make them eat of course! Yes, by giving them food, a woman will want to continue to talk to me, proving that love is indeed in a woman's stomach. What's even better is that they never gain weight, so they are always ideal anime kawaii. Reality does not creep in here! I could feed a woman a whole wedding cake, french fries, carrots, cookies, and a bacon cheeseburger in one sitting, and they will still be up to going to the beach with me. However, I instead opt to give every woman a cabbage to eat because no woman can resist the charm of a delicious cabbage. The sight of a cabbage sent Aiko into an orgasmic fit in the middle of public, wanting to skip all formalities and have sex with me right there.

In order for me to romance all of these women though, I must initiate some forms of conversation first, but not before I give them fun gifts that they enjoy. I obviously buy Beli an acorn, which she is ecstatic and will remember for the rest of her life. However, the acorn itself cost me over $1,000, so Beli better like what I gave her or else we're gonna have some major problems here. I am not just a money fountain that will give other women whatever they want on a whim. If I give you an acorn, then I expect hot romantic intimacy from them the likes I've never felt before. I give you cabbages and I give you acorns and you're still not in love with me??? What must I do to please you Beli???

Oh... I must play Bejeweled for you. In order for me to gain enough confidence with a woman, I must play Bejeweled with her several times to earn her trust and her panties. So I take Beli, who is best girl, on a date to the local farmers market so I can stock up on cabbages to feed her at a later point. As soon as we arrive, she comments about the aroma of cabbages in the air, and I proceed to fall to the ground and start playing Bejeweled at her feet. She's a bit taken aback at first, but then she sees how many combos I'm getting and starts to get highly aroused by my puzzle solving skills. Now immediately focused on the game, I start to present her with numerous stuffed animals so that she can become more excited, which allows my puzzle solving skills to increase. I slowly elevate myself to a Goddess of Puzzle Games, dominating all puzzles before me. I create five in a row combos that set off various other chains, which causes Beli to squeal with glee and wrap herself around my legs. And then I beat the game. I am able to achieve a high enough score to earn her trust, and she takes me back to my room.

I'm surprised when we re-enter and she slowly begins to take off her clothes. She's shy at first, but is fully accepting once I take out a cabbage. As soon as she does so, an new persona of hers takes over where the sweet and innocent girl becomes a ravenous sexual deviant. She scarfs down the cabbage and shoves me onto the bed, displaying her elaborate yoga skills to me. Downward facing dog indeed. I received a sun salutation like no other that night. She puts her legs behind her head and presents herself more than any of the other woman (more so than Audrey, the mega bitch). However, because I am a woman, I have no penis to insert inside of her, so I do the next best thing. I play Bejeweled right in front of her vagina. I slowly start to rack up combos, which shake the foundations of the bed. The bed roars and rocks as Beli, in a euphoric state, screams at me to rack up more combos. I start to get combo after combo, her moaning and screaming becoming too loud for me to bear. However, I must finish this puzzle no matter what I do, so I continue. Beli begins to sweat all over, now completely enraptured by my Bejeweled skills, sweat pouring down her supple thighs. In one final burst, I complete the puzzle with a score of over several hundred points, causing her to explode all over the Bejeweled board, her finally satisfied with my dynamic puzzle skills. I never once had to touch her. She orgasmed alone at my mere skill. Truly the action of a Goddess.

After Bejeweled and more cabbages, Beli wakes up after a long night's sleep, fully rested for a new day. She returns to her normal bashful self, but I remember exactly what she was like the night before, as does she. As she walks into the bathroom, she playfully teases me as she decides to take a showed. As I'm ready to jump in, my fairy, Kyu, pops out of nowhere and begins to congratulate me on a job well done. I scream in horror at how the hell she came into my room, but I accept it after a few minutes of trying to throw things at her. She then tells me that she wants to have sex with me as well, as does her various other colleagues. After a knock at a door, an alien approaches me wearing a tight red body suit and fair blue skin, but I am a racist and do not like those blue people. They freak me out. She gives me a goldfish though, which I accept, but I wonder why would an alien give me a goldfish. I throw it out the window out of spite, when suddenly a cat girl jumps up several stories, eats it, and calls me her master for feeding her. She then proceeds to purr around my legs as Kyu flies over my shoulders to give me a massage and the alien embraces me in a fond hug.

Now, I know Beli would be out of the shower soon, so I try my best to shoo them all away, when suddenly the roof of my apartment crumbles away and hundreds of lives are lost as the people who live above me tumble to the ground, dying immediately upon impact. Beli quickly runs out of the shower in a towel and sees me with the three women, but she doesn't care about it. I don't care about it. The alien, cat girl, and Kyu don't care about it. What they care about it that God has just entered my room. She descends from the heaven in a sublime light with the angels Gabriel, Raphael, and Uriel covering her breasts and body in silk scarves. In awe, none of us can make a single response, yet I am still groped by three separate women, which dissipated the fact that God herself came down from the heavens.

She then proceeds to ask which one of us is the person who wishes to become the new Goddess of Love. I step away from the women and declare that it is my dream and aspirations, to which God smirks at me. With a flick of her finger, I suddenly begin to fly up, as does Beli, who's towel drops to the ground. With the angels surrounding us, God says that she is willing to make us Goddesses of Love, but only if we could prove to her how romantic and powerful our sexual skills are. And so, with a brief glance between Beli and I, we begin to have sex with God herself.

Beli floats up to God and holds her beautiful green hair in her hands and begins to smell it. The greeness reminds her of cabbages, which turns her back into the sexual freak I know and love. As Beli fondles and caresses God, I take out my Bejeweled board and play one last time. This is it. To become Goddesses of Love with Beli, I need to make God orgasm right here and now. As I begin to make combo after combo, Beli begins to seduce her with various pieces of the Kama Sutra, which slowly begins to overwhelm God. In one fell swoop, I make a legendary combo that eliminates nearly half of the board, gaining thousands of points in a single second. Such a huge achievement, combined with Beli's sexual prowess and the power of God's orgasm, reignites the universe in a second big band; a new orgasm, completely redefining all life and eliminating all life of the universe with the exception of myself and Beli. And so, we have only one thing left to do; we repopulate.

Huniepop is a literary and cinematic achievement that mankind will not be able to replicate ever again. It is glorious to a fault and serves as one of the greatest games ever made, if only out of respect for our lord and saviors Beli and Nameless Girl. Praise be unto them, our sexual Goddesses of Love.


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