Sunday, April 17, 2016

Justice League vs. Teen Titans Review

Wait, I have to talk about this movie? Seriously? All right...

If DC is good at one thing, it's making me not care about any of its movies. Whether it's the recent controversial disaster of Batman Vs. Superman or any of its animated Justice League movies, I'm almost always going to be disappointed in some way, shape, or form. So you may ask why I continue to review movies that I don't think are all that great and coast perfectly on the mediocrity scale as a perfect meh. Because I have no control of my life and way too much free time on my hands, that's why.

Justice League vs. Teen Titans is a movie about neither of the groups fighting each other for more than two minutes and instead focuses on Damian Wayne being an insufferable brat.

That's the entire movie.

I could explain all of the nuances with why this premise fails, or why the DC animated universe is barely relevant after most of Paul Dini's series ended, or even that I still have some hope for the upcoming Killing Joke movie, but that one sentence is everything wrong with the movie. Damian Wayne is an ass, the end.

And I know some people enjoy the character. I know there are a lot of people that do like the idea of Batman's son being Robin and him being a perfect assassin by the League of Assassins, but all of that is thrown out the window because he's such a pretentious jerk. All of Justice League vs. Teen Titans is just showing how much better Damian Wayne is than every other superhero. He can beat Starfire, Blue Beetle, Cyborg, Wonder Woman, and Superman without breaking a sweat because he's that good. Look, there's writing compelling characters that can overcome impossible obstacles, and then there's crap like this where the writers make Damian Wayne a boss because why the hell not. It's like in Identity Crisis when Deathstroke, an assassin that has fought the Teen Titans several times, was able to beat the Flash, Green Arrow, Black Canary, and even Green Lantern without breaking a sweat. He even overridden Green Lantern's ring because he had "more willpower than Green Lantern". There's writing a cool character, and then there's making them too uber to ever be beaten.

Is there anything else worthwhile to talk about besides Damian Wayne is literally better than everyone else? Surprisingly, no! Absolutely nothing. A plot exists, but its kind of meaningless to watch. Trigon, an interdimensioal demon god, is coming to Earth to get his daughter Raven, one of the Teen Titans, back. He possess the Justice League, the two hero groups fight fight fight, both try and stop Trigon, he's defeated, DUH END.

Never before have I ever felt like I was watching wood. I was literally watching wood for about an hour and a half. And you may say "Well what's the difference from watching wood and watching paint dry?" Well, paint drying means an action is taking place. There is a visual process happening that has an inevitable end goal in mind, boring as it may be. Wood offers me nothing. There is nothing to gain from watching wood. It won't do anything. I can't do anything. It can simply exist and be a functional product, but that's all. It's a waste of time, a waste of effort, and a waste of $5 for me.

Beast Boy and Raven were cool though.

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