Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Birdemic 2: The Resurrection Review

You know what, just watch this.

Where do I begin?

I feel like I need to make a smart analysis of this movie, but you know what? I can't do it. It's Birdemic 2. It's a sequel to Birdemic: Shock and Terror. Actually analyzing a movie that is regarded as the sequel to one of the worst movies of all time is a pointless task. But that begs the question, what happens if this movie is not as good as the first one? Does that make this movie better than the first one because it's actually good, or is it good because it's even worse than the first movie? Wait... is Birdemic 2: The Resurrection actually creating a metaphysical paradox? Is the quality of this movie creating a certain aura of quality around it that makes his movie impossible to review, never being called good or bad because it's related to the "so-bad-it's-good" genre?

Oh wait, this is a movie where raining blood revives prehistoric birds and cavemen who were having sex when they died. Never mind, this movie sucks.

No.... just.... no....
The first Birdemic movie (I still can't over the fact this is a franchise now...) was a failure of basic cinematography and editing, with barely audible dialogue and the worst possible special effects for birds in recent memory. So one would expect that after a 5 year gap between films, the special effects would improve, the choppy and preachy dialogue would improve, and the sound quality would improve with better equipment. Oh I laugh at your optimism, because while the special effects have improved, they're still terrible. It's all still terrible. So..... terrible....

If I'm being perfectly honest, it's really difficult to actually review this movie. That trailer sells it all. My description tells you to stay away from this movie. So you know what, instead of actually critiquing this movie, cause we all know where this is going, I'm just going to list things that happen in this movie. Just random things that happen in the 86 minute run time that has the audience question reality, cinema, and all the money that went into this movie.

A 5 minute walking montage set to upbeat jazz music. An intro that takes place in a diner just like the first movie. The main characters coming back. High-fiving every minute of a conversation. A girl dying from a fish that was cooked in the last movie. Bird acid. A big jumbo jellyfish floating into a woman, and never being mentioned again. Terrible green screen. Raining blood that revives cavemen and prehistoric birds. 3 topless women chased by a guy with a knife on a movie set that are killed by the birds. EVERYONE uses coat hangers to kill the birds. People fight the birds with martial arts. Bird acid. Pistols have 500 bullets in a clip. Zombies revived by the birds. This song. A cowgirl with big breasts appearing then being killed for no reason. A zoo that's immune to the birds because they respect the environment, but are still attacked because. A random character that we never care about dying, which signifies the end of the movie. And bird acid.

Look, you know this movie is bad. I've said that so many times during this review. We know this is a one just from a film making point of view. The cinematography is awful, there are worse green screens than the previous movie, the dialogue is terrible, they have continuity between the two movies that makes no sense, and is, just awful, awful, awful. THAT BEING SAID, I would gladly see this movie again. It may be a beat for beat remake of the first movie, but it's more Birdemic.

If this review has been a bit vague, then that's because you need to see this movie to experience. Unlike Gravity, where spoiling the movie would ruin its impact, Birdemic 2 won't be spoiled because it wouldn't do any good. That entire paragraph about what's in the movie is true, but telling you about it won't do any good. This is a piece of shit that everyone needs to watch. You may regret seeing it, but by god will you be entertained watching it. Birdemic 2: The Resurrection gets 1 burning Hollywood out of 5, but please please please please please please please please please please PLEASE see this movie. You'll hate me later for it.

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